I have never fit in. When I was a kid, we lived on a self supporting ranch. Way out in the boonies. Mom made our cloths and our lunches. And, yes, she cut our hair. Finally? No TV. None. Even when we did get one when I was like 11, I had to be in bed by 8pm so prime time TV was out, although I would come home and watch General Hospital everyday which is good for an 8 year olds developing social skills.
I remember coming to class one day and someone asked me “Where’s The Beef?” I said it was in the deep freeze in the garage, assumed they were referring to a nasty timing incident involving our mobile butcher. He was parked in our driveway with my (wait! he’s not a pet?!?) cow, dangling by his hind legs from a wench built into the back of the truck. He had just finished pulling off his hide and slitting his belly wide open when the school bus arrived. I was the third to last stop. For the rest of the year my nickname was Dead Cow Girl. This was not helped by the fact that my mother packed home made jerky in my bag lunch every day.
When the rest of the kids where getting Atari’s and Commodore 64′s, my dad bought me a Hewlett Packard with a monochrome screen.
I got giant boobs, zits and glasses all in the same year. I was 12. NO ONE else had any of these things.
When the rest of my friends where getting ready for prom, I was pregnant. With my second. Once again living in the boonies and trying to recreate the abusive step-father situation (not the father who gave me the HP, the one who gave me the body image issues) with an abusive husband.
Years later, I’ve two successful businesses (Ok, in some sort of self serving attempt to continue not fitting in one of them is as a Dominatrix), I live in a big house in a nice neighborhood and I drive a Prius (not in an attempt to fit in, in an attempt not to pay $$$$ to the oil companies). And now I’m once again married and trying to get pregnant. On paper, this means I should finally “Fit In”, but truthfully, I’ve long ago given up on trying to fit in coming to the realization that being socially unacceptable is Much More Fun.
Until it comes to the TTC. I already have three kids and feel bad trying to fit into the groups that are filled with people who haven’t been able to have one. I certainly don’t fit into the groups where people are talking about TTC naturally. I have my tubes tied and I know I can’t – although it has been fun to try! When I go into the groups with the other women who are TTC after getting their tubes tied, most of them are very religious and while self flagellation is fine with them, being paid to do unto others is not. So I obviously don’t fit in there.
I feel like I’ve come in this giant circle. Where are all the other Alterna Chick who are trying to breed??
