I didn't know I was pregnant
I ended up 7 week update with the line…
“Maybe those girls on I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant are telling the truth. Or? Maybe we won’t see anything at next weeks ultrasound. I’m equally prepared for both situations.”
The girls on I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant are dirty liars. I guess I knew, in my gut, that there was something wrong. The symptoms were there… but only sorta. They certainly weren’t getting stronger. They were just… there. I’d have bad days, then days where I felt totally normal. And I guess I knew that, for me? At 8 weeks pregnant? That was not how I should feel.
My 8 week ultrasound showed an abnormal sac with a 7 week fetus in it. No heartbeat. I did a blood draw today and will do another one Wednesday to make certain, but the OB said I should plan on seeing her on Friday if I’ve not started bleeding and that she will give me pills to help start the process.
She is, like everyone, so very, incredibly sorry. That saying gives me such mixed feelings. I have said it to others so many times. Every time, wishing I could do something, anything really, to help the person I was saying it to. I say it automatically, but it feels so empty. As part of the infertility community on twitter, I would say that a full third of my tweets are some version of I’m so very sorry. Now those tweets are raining down on me. They help. They help so very much. But all I can do it read them. I can’t even muster a reply.
I am numb. I’ve teared up, but not been able to cry – partly because I’m in public waiting for Monkey’s class to finish with their Halloween party. I’ve not told The Mr yet as he’s in a string of meetings today. He’ll be home early and I’ll break it to him then. In person. And then I’m certain the tears will begin.
We have three frozen embryos and will transfer in January, but should that not work, it’s done. We are out of money and out of patience. And seriously? At 42? I need to find a new hobby. We have one amazing child and we will have to be happy with him. Very happy.
Has anyone done The Pills? What should I expect?
No no no no no no no. I’m so sorry. There aren’t words.
I read enough stories about the pills not completely handling everything and having to go in for a D&C anyway so I opted (about as far along as you) just to go for the D&C off the bat. I didn’t want to wait. I needed the D&C for closure and to be moving forward instead of just waiting some more.
Whatever you decide, know we’re out here for you, thinking of you and crying with you.
<3
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I *am* so sorry though. The words aren’t enough but the meaning is there. I’ve done the pills twice. Everyone reacts a bit differently, I’ve heard. You’ll want something prescription if they’ll give it to you. The worst of my cramps was about 4 hours after taking the pills and lasted about 1.5 hours long. (Some doctors have you take it orally but mine had me take it vaginally.) The rest of the time wasn’t much worse than period cramps. I was able to collect the tissue after about 7 hours. Didn’t see any blood for several hours after first taking them. Later bleeding was heavy but not concerned-that-I-should-go-to-the-ER heavy. Lighter cramps for 3-4 more days and bleeding for 7-8 days. Email me if you have other questions. I hate that you’re going through this. Thoughts to you and the Mr.
Hollow words, but true. *hugs*
I did an in-office D&C the first time (with Mifepristone taken 3 hours before), the morning after I found out there was no heartbeat, and an in-hospital, sedated D&C the second time, the evening of the day I found out the heartbeat had stopped.
The mifepristone kicked in almost immediately – had period-like cramps that started 15 minutes after I took the pills. But don’t have any experience with the pills more than that.
You’re in my thoughts today. Wish I could do something to help you get through this. It sucks.
Babes, I’m gutted for you. Which is just another shopworn variation of “I’m sorry”. (I also wish that there was a way of saying it that didn’t ring so hollowly). But it’s written with love.
I hate to think of you in a public place, surrounded by people and putting on a brave face, and carrying this inside. Shitty, rotten fucking thing. You’re all on my mind tonight. I wish I could give you a hug in person. (Not that this would remotely help).
Adele recently posted..Fifth Day on Earth
PS: I did the pills. People’s experiences with them seem to vary (and a lot of doctors try to dissuade you). But you know what? I appreciated the comfort of miscarrying at home on our couch. If it’s misoprostol, they give you four. You put them up next to your cervix. I started cramping and bleeding within about an hour, but (sad to say) they didn’t work the first time and I had to readminister a few days later. But I knew that this was one of the possibilities, and I still preferred to avoid the D and C. The second time they worked quickly. The cramping you get are like very early contractions.
I’m so sorry, again. Fucked up world.
Adele recently posted..Fifth Day on Earth
Ugh, I am so very sorry, just when you were starting to hope that this was going to work out ok, it’s so crappy and unfair. I did not do the pills but went a la natural, I would listen to Adele who unfortunately knows too much about this. Many hugs to you dear woman.
This just sucks. I hate that so many of us have to go through this. And you don’t NEED to reply. You just take care of you.
I was given misoprostol at 9 weeks. I agree with Adele in that I liked having that small degree of control. Prof cleared his calendar to take care of me and I stocked up on extra thick pads and pain pills and “sick foods”. I downloaded a new audiobook and a couple of videos and arranged myself and my stuff on the couch. I stuck the pills up as far as I could and waited. It took about four hours for mine to take effect and the worst of it was over within eight hours total. It was like a really, really bad period. I didn’t even take the Rx pain meds until I wanted to sleep (but they weren’t at all needed). I had a scan 72 hours later and all was clear. It wasn’t till after the scan that the whole thing really sunk in.
I wish I could say something besides I’m sorry. All I got left is “You are not alone”. We’ll be here if you need us.
I am so sorry all around for this. It sucks beyond belief. I will tell you that I went through the misoprostol once and it was an okay, but painful experience. I know it sounds cliche to say to take care of yourself, but it’s hard to do when you are trudging through the day to day shit. It gets worse in some ways, but it gets better. Trust that. My thoughts are with you.
Misfits recently posted..Lending some love
PPS: one thing I forgot to mention: the pills can wreak serious havoc with your tummy. The following webpage lists a lot of different experiences with it – I remember reading through it before I took it: http://www.pregnancy-info.net/forums/Pregnancy_Loss_Miscarriage/My_Experience__Misoprostol_Cytotec_for_Miscarriage_/ some preferred it but some didn’t. Hugs, DCG.
I just … I just … I just hurt for you. Thinking about you tonight, in Vancouver. *tears* karen
karen recently posted..Trying something new: not changing
Ah crap that sucks ass.
I took the cytotec after my first missed miscarriage, it was relatively physically painless (I waited over a week ‘just to make sure’). Last time I had the D&C because it was the miscarriage that wouldn’t end. There are medical concerns for either, the pills give you a sense of control, and obviously a less clinical setting, other than that I can’t remember more or less pain or a shorter recovery for either.
Neeroc recently posted..Lots of planning, but are we forgetting something?
I sat at the keyboard and searched for words. They seem to fit the best because I know this loss and I hate to see someone else experience it, especially you. Senior to senior, I felt so invested in your pregnancy. Hard worked and won, only to be ended way too quickly. It makes me sorry to know what you might be feeling.
I took the pills at around 7 wks without issue, but we never saw a heartbeat or fetal pole.
How I wish the west coast was my back yard. How I wish I could sit with you through this grim fucking shit show.
Roccie recently posted..Peace, love and sleep to my new Mommas
I am really sorry to hear this. I was rooting for you.
I am really sorry that you are going through this, I am going back and forth between waiting, drugs and D&C and honestly I haven’t decided which is better. It’s all horrible and I’m really sorry..you’d think going through this myself I would have something better to say…
Jennifer recently posted..No hope.
*hugs*
JustHeather recently posted..My moose!
Ug. This is so Godamned unfair. I’m so very sorry you have to go through this.
I did the cytotec up the vag. My doc didn’t want me to do a D & C because I already had so much scar tissue. The plus side, you take the pills when you’re ready and at home, the minus side…at least for me…was that it hurt like a bitch and I had stomach upset along w it. It was like experiencing early labor while having a bad bout of stomach flu. It took care of everything, though, it was over fairly quickly, and I’m still glad I miscarried at home.
Chickenpig recently posted..Running over the same old ground
I just wanted to thank you all. I can’t begin to address each and every one of you because it would just make me cry. Again. And I’m really much better at just being a bitter bitch at this point then a weepy one. I would not be able to make it through this without you.
Hi. I know it’s not the most perfect thing to say but I am so very sorry for what you are going through. This happened to me as well last year and with the approval of my doc I opted to wait until my body decided to say goodbye on it’s own. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best.
You don’t have to cry if you don’t want to. Sometimes it’s OK to let other people cry for you.
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