Just a tinsy bit lost and confused
Well. This is it. Aunt Flo is here. The husband has had his pre-transfer freak out. The paperwork has been signed. Nothing can stop me from killing these embryos with my uterus. We are looking at doing the transfer on the 30th of January, give or take a couple days, as it is a natural cycle. Then, my TCC days will be behind me. That will be about 10 days after my 43rd birthday.
Oh good lord, how did I get to be so old? In my brain, I’m still the lost, confused, wondering what I’m going to do with myself, girl child who is trying to get her problem skin under control and figure out what to do with her hair.
No. Wait. I’m still all of that. I’m just now doing it in my early 40′s rather then my early 20′s. And now I have a zits on my wrinkles.
Oh, Balls.
I think I’m finally ready, no matter what the outcome coughcoughBFNcoughcoughcough of this cycle to move on. Only, I’m a bit unsure as to where. My career is …. sleepy. I’ve not done anything to keep it up. I always figured I would sort of work till I had another baby, then formally retire. Now what? Work more? Or give up and be a stay at home mom? It’s not like the small amount of money I make is going to make or break us and I certainly don’t want to start working full time again.
I’ve drifted from most of my friends. It’s so hard to try to talk to them about IF stuff and be greeted with blank stares. I talk more to my invisible twitter friends then my IRL friends most days, because we have infertility and TTC in common. Now that I’m done with that … who do I talk to? Who are my friends? It’s going to be hard to be on twitter and watch everyone move on without me… But then again, I have to stick around and see what happens! It’s just going to be hard.
I guess I can go back to my real life friends and be all, Hey! I’m done with that silly baby thing! What is everyone talking about these days? But realistically, it will probably be their careers and I’ll still have nothing to talk to them about.
They’d be all Yes I blah blah blah doubled projections blah resource blah promotion blah blah interm blah spreadsheet blah blah…
And I’d be all Monkey pooped on the floor.
*blank (slightly disgusted) stares*
I could start another business. I have other skills. But …. Work. Hmm. I’m not sure I’m down with that whole work thing at this time. Especially the amount of work it takes to get a new business off the ground. We already have one person in this family in the midst of that.
I could just quit the Mistress gig all together and be a stay at home mom and work on my new years resolution of unpacking and write and spend time with Monkey… But that seems too crazy decadent after having 25 projects going on for so long.
And not having anything to obsess about just isn’t my thing.
I wish I was the kind of person who could obsess about unpacking and losing weight. Is there a supplement I can take to increase that? DHEA? Wheat grass? Royal jelly? CoQ10? (Infertility humor always slays me.)
Maybe I should work on the book? But I’m enjoying the blog and the community and the immediate feedback it offers. Maybe I should work on that.
If you made it to the bottom of this post, I owe you a little something for your wasted time. Like a picture of my boobs.
I will be your friend! We can try out new cocktail recipes
Anyway, I have no clue what you are experiencing right now and I won’t pretend. But I can relate very much to feeling very lost without a goal, project or even just ‘something to look forward to’ and I think that you will make it through this experience, and emerge from it stronger than ever. Regardless of how it goes. (I am trying to be delicate with my words here but I hope you know what i mean).
Maria recently posted..Saint john, the port city. (Taken with instagram)
I know exactly what you mean. Thank you. Yes. Cocktails soon. Hopefully, mocktails for me… Cocktails for you.
Oh I so get this. We are wading through the finality of this year with regards to TTC. On top of it I hate my job. I’d love to start a business but have no means with which to do so.
I’ll be your friend.
k recently posted..Words Are Inadequate
Haha! Thank you! Maybe this blog need to retitled 40 something and finding myself. Still. Good luck figuring all that out.
Wishing you all the best as you begin that journey! There’s still hope that there will be a BFP at the end of this (just in time for 43rd b-day). Hell, someone has to get a good birthday present.
Regarding what to do with yourself: well supposedly I have a career and I still haven’t answered that question. Truthfully, I don’t think anyone really has a definitive answer. That’s what allows us to reach out and be creative through life (or at least that’s what I like to tell myself).
Cristy recently posted..Unexplained
Maybe a new hobby? New friends? I don’t have the answer but hey maybe you’ll get a BFP and nine months later a take home baby (cause we all know those 2 don’t automatically go together, been there too) then problem solved right? Wishing you lots of luck either way!
Oh, that elusive “what am I going to do with my life now”thingy. I’m still looking. You’d think by our 40′s we’d have it figured out. I”m still in denial I’m in my 40′s though. Hope you find all you are looking for this year.
Looks like I’ll be a few weeks behind you – bloodwork tomorrow then likely going on BCP for 3 weeks, *then* starting the FET prep (estradiol valerate and eventually PIO).
I just picked up a highly recommended book called Fortytude. I’ll loan it to you if it’s good.
Brave IVF Girl recently posted..More on 6.1
Thanks! That is a great name for a book. I hope the inside is just as witty.
Well, you have a friend and a shoulder in me. Our TTC/IF journeys are very different, but at the core,the feelings are pretty much the same. We want another baby, and it seems like everything else is sort of standing still until that happens. Sending lots of love to you, mama. I hope you get your BFP!
The Hipster Homemaker recently posted..Sorry Honda, but Marriage and Babies Aren’t the End of all Things Awesome.
Yeah. The constant unfulfilled baby yearning is a universally sucky feeling.
I hope things get the hell out of the way fir you soon!
no boobs.
I guess that’s okay. I didn’t do IVF, and I haven’t worked out the twitter, but I know what you mean about figuring out the next thing and truly not wanting to be all about the work-a-job thing.
So. What. Ya. Um.
I’m going to stay tuned here, no matter what, even if it isn’t for a month because all hell broke loose for a bit there. But one request? Please keep writing. Best wishes with the IVF thing.
karen recently posted..Friday Fluff
Thanks. I will keep writing… I just hope it’s entertaining. Not too much whining. Know what I mean?
I’m still hoping you’ll get another baby out of this last transfer. But no matter what you should definitely keep blogging! I adore your blog.
Manapan recently posted..Oh crappity crap.
Even though it makes you blush?
First off – what’s with the no boobs!
Second – I’m pretty much in the same place TTC-wise, we’ll be doing (I think – I still need to make sure the ol’ovaries are pumping them out) our last round Mar/April, so if you get anything figured out before then be sure to let me know *g*
And holy hell I’m pulling for ya!
Neeroc recently posted..Today in pictures.
Thank you. I hope this spring finds you with two pink lines.
I’m obviously going to have to post a pic of my boobs for you ladies!
Even harder than watching all my friends have children was stopping and knowing that I would never have that. I saw my non-IF friends reproduce, and then, one by one, the IFers got pregnant and adopted. I was the only one left. I still felt like the last one standing, but in reality, choosing to not pursue any more medical tx or adoptions WAS my choice.
It’s still weird to be here. I don’t often know how to connect with my peers now that there’s this divide.
kateanon recently posted..running
*sigh* I don’t think any of us know how to connect. At least not all the time. I have adult kids. And a 2 year old. But still hang in the infertility groups even though I feel like a poser. Life is constantly changing around us. I guess we adapt and move on. Sounds like you have done that. Pretty much. I didn’t realize you had totally given up on ttc and adoption etc.
My greatest fear about my next/last cycle is the ‘What next?’ part of the equation. Even if I should by some miracle get pregnant and stay pregnant, afterwords my life is still waiting there. I deep sixed my career by staying home to try and have kids and then raise the kids (not by choice, my department disappeared while I was on maternity leave). Now it is too late for me to get back on that particular track. I have lost all of my friends, pretty much, and I feel like I will be in my 20′s again after college, starting from the beginning. *sigh*
At least you have one person who knows exactly what you are going through
Best of luck for this cycle. I wish I was cycling with you.
Chickenpig recently posted..Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care!
Yeah. Women, even the fertile ones, end up with the careers on hold etc, while we breed. Try to breed. Recover from breeding. Uhg. So much waiting. So much wondering. So much uncertainty. Not a wonder we don’t know what to do with ourselves when we grow up!
Fx for you on your next cycle!