Just the fact, Ma
I’ve thought on this for a couple days. The stress has subsided enough that the eye twitch has finally subsided. But I still don’t know…. well… it’s just that… oh. balls.
I won’t talk about my older kids often on this blog. They are in their twenties and the have already suffered enough with my “mothering” and don’t need to add “she blogged about me” to their therapy agenda. Plus, thanks to Facebook, at least one of them knows about this blog. Because yes. Even though I was terribly careful not to friend anyone as Dead Cow Girl and with my Family Friendly Account, Facebook still asked my oldest if he wasn’t sure he didn’t know Dead Cow Girl. Uhg. Thanks FuckFaceBook.
So. Just the facts.
Exhibit A: I went to visit The Family for the weekend and to go to my daughter in law’s babyshower. They all live in the same community in The Boobdocks. It’s the same community I lived in with their dad. My abuser. It was a lifetime ago and I generally am well past that… except when I return to that community. It all comes back to me.
Exhibit B: This was also the weekend of my Grandparents 63rd wedding anniversary. Except… grandma died 4 years ago. So we had a big family dinner to distract Grandpa. Well. Most the family. Some of the family doesn’t get along with other family so they were… “busy.” What ever. I live to far away (mentally and physically) for that to bother me. However…
Exhibit C: My middle son seems to have sunk into the pit of depression he has been battling nearly all his life. He wouldn’t leave the house. Not even to see me. Usually he bucks up and comes for a visit when I’m in town … but wasn’t up to it this trip. Wouldn’t even answer my calls. He lives with his Dad, so my going there to confront him or help him is not an option. His dad is also apparently fighting his own demons right now. It’s a living, working example that DS sees as his inevitable future and it’s not helping at all. I may have to physically remove him from the house which will start a shit storm of drama and leave me detoxing a 24 year old. Again. Because yes, the medication of choice up there is Anger and Pot. I had NO IDEA those two things could exist side by side, but apparently in this special ring of hell, they do.
Exhibit D: The middle son is doing well. But is a conservative Republican who married an even more conservative Catholic girl. I love them both dearly, but don’t even know where to begin here. So I won’t. Except to say… she wasn’t drinking at the anniversary dinner, so now there is vicious gossip (the only kind we have in my family) that she is pregnant. They were married in October.
Exhibit E: The Baby Shower. For the most part I held it together. I sniffed the freshly microwaved candy bars in the adorable new born diapers with the best of them and had a good time. Despite the promised champagne not materializing. I did however nearly lose it when she started opening all the packages with all the tiny lil baby items.
Exhibit F: The pregnant Daughter in Law. Ironically, she seems to be the only one in my family who realizes that her being pregnant and and me doing fertility treatments at the same time might make me feel awkward. She’s done everything she can to make me feel OK with it all. While I’m not sure that’s completely possible, I’m relieved. I’m not prepared to be a grandmother, but my other option is to, as my mom did, just sorta clip them outta my life like a coupon for a quarter off a product you don’t even use. And I certainly can’t do that. One the one hand, it kills me to see them having a baby when I just don’t think they are ready. They are both in school and have only known each other two years. They haven’t spent near enough time learning to enjoy each others foibles. But that fact is, the baby is well on the way and it may be the closest to a baby I’m going to get. Which brings me to the looming ineviablility of …
Exhibit G: I will probably find out the results of this cycle the first week of Febuary. The third week of February I will be heading back up to The Boobdocks to welcome my first grandbaby. Obviously with Exhibits A-F to worry about, this one hasn’t garnered much attention, but it is there, looming; the possibly of dealing with a BFN and a promotion to GILF all in the same fun filled month.
*tossed confetti*
Exhibit H: No Mother Fucking Internet. I was clinging to my iPhone like a scuba diver to his oxygen tank.
Found wine. Behind Grandpa's oven. Kept nice and warm for probably two decades. This? Thankfully? Was not the wine we drank.
SIDENOTE: I have several clients who live in The Boondocks who would be more then happy to let me blow off some steam on their backsides, but the ONLY person in my family who doesn’t know what I do is my 84 year old Grandfather. So… I got nothing.
Thank gawd there was wine, and even though I am on a self imposed pre-transfer cleanse, I had some. And some processed sugar. And some processed white flour (as it’s the only kind they have in The Boondocks) and even, some caffine. So yup. Pretty much went down the list of all the things I promised myself that I wouldn’t have and had a bit of each.I also failed to go to the gym. Even once. Self Control for the WIN!
Heh. Actually. I guess I something had to blow in some direction. Better I eat my tears then show them.
Don’t you just love Facebook? It’s bad enough that it gives a continual outlet for people to broadcast anything that passes through their brains. Know add on the fact that it’s outing people. Lovely.
Each of those exhibits alone would have been enough for me to start pulling my hair out. None of it is easy, but it sounds like you’re handling it all the best you can. Take it easy on yourself this next month. I’m hoping that February brings good news and joy.
Cristy recently posted..Signs
Oy-vey!!! You’ve got A LOT on your plate babe. At least you like the daughter in law that’s having the baby (at least it seems so) lets face no one is really ready to have a baby at least when your young you have more energy (I can say that as an old mommy). As for your depressed son—pot is a tough one cause it stays in your system so long. Good luck my dear.
I’ll cross all my fingers and toes that it works out. And if it doesn’t, make sure you DVR Downton Abbey and watch them all in one go. I’m sure that will cause enough escapist TV drama to cancel out the real stuff.
Alison Golden – The Secret Life of a Warrior Woman recently posted..The Zen of Timelessness – The Experience
At least your DIL has some sense about how the situation could be awkward. I think the previous exhibits cancel out any use of caffeine, alcohol, or sugar/white flour. Sheesh. *hugs*
Jenn [ Crippled Girl ] recently posted..50
That’s a lot to deal with! I’m glad your DIL is sensitive to the situation, and wish you the best of luck in dealing with everyone else.
Brave IVF Girl recently posted..Sluggish
Ugh, that’s a lot of crap to deal with. I’m so sorry!
I do agree with the others, that at least DIL is seemingly sensitive to the situation.
JustHeather recently posted..9 weeks!
Wow, what a horrific situation. I’m glad your DIL at least was sensitive.
KeAnne recently posted..Free Advice: Cat Fur
Whoa babe. Sending you a fuck ton of love. Wishing I could be by your side during this time. The good thing? You’re one tough mofo and I know you’re going to make it through. xoxo
Oh, Babes, that IS a the ninth circle of hell. I’m sorry about your son. But you’re right about not being able to go see him. Do you have a drowning feeling in the boobdocks? I had a drowning feeling just reading about it. And I’m glad your daughter-in-law is somewhat sensitive to what you’ve got going on but imagine that it is still very tough.
As far as the pre-cycle cleanse, I am convinced it does nothing. I cleansed and cleansed. The lucky cycle came after a New Year in which there had been a few too many Dark n Stormy’s. Go figure.
(Crossing fingers, toes, you name it…I like to think of you heading to the Boobdocks in February with a happy, warm feeling and a bun growing nicely in the oven).
Adele recently posted..Twelve Weeks
Cleanse cause you want to and it makes you feel good in that power wielding sort of way. My RE never put much faith in those practices, so I kind of shoo them as well. Damn estrogen priming got me shit. The cycle might have even been worse than the previous one, depending how you measure it.
You can manage your stress. Not that it can impact your outcome, but hopefully make the whole ride more bearable.
I have had this feeling of success for you since you started. This is our last scheduled round, so this must be it. I want it so badly for you.
Roccie recently posted..So. You had you a donor egg baby.